You see, I should be writing one of my two grad school papers that are due this week.  But, I'll do most anything to put off writing another paper.  So, here we are.

The Green Book.  Scot McKnight posted a link to this article.  I don't know what to say except that you should read the article.

Lamy Pens.  I bought a Lamy Fountain Pen on Saturday.  I love pens.  I've always loved them, ever since I was a kid.  I love fountain pens but haven't owned one in years . . . that is until now.  This Lamy pen is quite a little workhouse and very reasonably priced.  I love the fact that I can easily refill it from a bottle of ink and not add more plastic to the world's landfills.  It makes writing a pleasure again.

Blog Links.  Speaking of fountain pens, I've added a few new links to my blog that are all about pens, paper, and those who write about such things.

I guess I've wasted enough time for now.  These papers aren't writing themselves.  Pax.

 

Alan has been reminiscing a bit over at his blog. It got me to thinking . . . it's been almost 7 years since Heather and I moved from N. Kentucky to Lexington. Seven years? Hard to believe. Those years have been chocked full of change. I'll highlight a few that stand out . . . 

Job change(s)

Changing jobs is no small thing. It's difficult. Learning new people, new responsibilities, new ways of doing things . . . it's all uncomfortable. When moving to Lexington, I was fortunate to find a job right away but it's taken a good while to really kind of find my place. I've spent most of that time in the corporate world of Fortune 500 companies but those two jobs were soul-killing for me. However, I am thankful for the jobs I've had and the people I've met. Those same companies are full of good people who are just trying to survive and earn a living. Now, I at least have some benefits and am valued for my contribution to the company. Hopefully, there will be a place there for me long-term but if not, I will have my graduate degree soon.

Apartment/house changes

I hate to move. I've done enough of it but I pretty much despise the whole process. We sold a house in the northern part of the state, moved to an apartment in Lexington for two years and then bought the house we currently live in. We have stayed in the same area of town which keeps the moves from being too disruptive. At the current state of the housing market, I don't see us moving again any time soon!

Theology, ecclesiology and all things related to the Faith

 This is probably the biggest change for me and Heather. We have moved from what I'll call an evangelical tradition to one that's more grounded in the church Catholic. This one may be the most difficult to write about and put into words. Certainly, if you've visited a Southern Baptist Church and a Catholic Mass, I think you would agree that those two experiences are very different (as they should be since these two traditions do have different beliefs and those differences are easily seen in their worship). For someone who barely knew what liturgy was to begin attending a liturgical church is no small thing. God seemed to have placed people in our path to help us navigate these changes. Alan taught me (and Heather) much about the Catholic faith. Things like praying the Liturgy of the Hours, to a simple form of Lectio, to what community life was all about, he and the Vine & Branches community were a vital part of our transition which eventually landed us in Anglicanism. We've been part of Saint Patrick's Anglican Church for the last five years and have a strong sense that we are where we belong. 

 The Abbey of Gethsemani has also been an important part of my life over the last several years. It all started with a silent retreat. Ever since, the Cistercian life calls out to me and I have been happy to not only embrace that calling but share it with other like-minded people.

Personal Demons

I won't write much about this but I've had a rather long season of dealing with my own personal brokenness. It's been a good thing. I certainly believe the changes I wrote about above with our move to a more Catholic view of the faith provided a way and space for me to address my own woundedness head on. I don't mean this to sound judgmental but I don't believe I could have addressed those same issues while living in the evangelical world.  

I wouldn't want to write about this in a way that makes it sound like "I'm all fixed now" because that's not true. Certainly, I have a better understanding of who I am and why I often feel the way I do. I am still on the road of transformation and know that the Spirit continues to do His work in my life.

Well, that's probably enough. Just doing a little reminiscing of my own. Seven years later much is different but I'm happy for the people who continue to be in my life and for my God who continues to shower down his love and grace upon me.

Feeling distracted tonight.  I should be reading homework assignments but I can't seem to focus.  To be honest, I just don't feel much like studying. Then again, I've not felt much like doing anything lately.

This Lent has been kind of a strange one. Overall, I don't feel like I've been very engaged.  I've kind of stumbled my way through trying to maintain spiritual practices like praying the divine office and lectio divina.  

I guess it's a good thing that I don't necessarily have to "feel" anything for God to be doing his work. Thank God I don't have to evaluate my worship experience on how it "felt." The liturgy is there like it is every week. Scripture is read (lots of it). Prayers are prayed (lots of them). Confession is made. Jesus' body and blood are received. No matter how I'm feeling, the liturgy is there, guiding me in the worship of our God. So, no matter my feelings, I continue to participate in worship and open my heart to God's transforming power. After all, what more can I do?

I've been observing Lent since 2004 and have found it to be a helpful spiritual discipline.  This year has been different though.  I've never been as busy as I have been over the last several weeks.  I've been working quite a bit of overtime.  I'm also taking 6 hours of grad school classes.  So, all of this has made my own experience of Lent this year very different than past years.  I've been thinking about that and offer a few reflections . . . 

1. I find myself needing silence and solitude more than ever.  I've learned over the last seven or eight years that the practices of silence and solitude are important for my own formation.  I need time away to be quiet.  I need time to climb the hills and knobs around central KY to clear my mind and be more attentive to the Spirit's voice.  I'm no happier than I am at the Abbey of Gethsemani romping around in the woods with my camera.  I've not had an opportunity for several months to really spend some extended time in silence and boy, can I feel it. 
    
2. I find that a regular routine is vital for my spiritual practices.  Perhaps it's just me but I thrive with routine and structure.  When life takes me outside of my regular routine, it tends to impact how consistently I pray, how regularly I practice lectio, etc.  I have come to believe that monks follow a strict schedule for a reason:  it helps them to be consistent in their practices of prayer, work, and lectio.
3. I'm learning not to beat myself up when I don't live out these practices as fully as I'd like.  Lent isn't about how many times I pray the office (you know, seven times is better than three times each day?!).  It's not about what I eat or don't eat.  Lent is about me getting to know Jesus better.  So, me beating myself up because I didn't pray last week as well as I wish I had, doesn't really help me with loving Jesus better.  Grace is needed.  I'm learning to accept it more and more.

You may have other ones you would add.  Those are the three things I've been learning this Lent.  What about you?

It's been a week filled with bad news, it seems.  Because of that, it was nice to open my Bible to one of today's readings and find this:

Romans 8:1–4 (ESV)
8 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

No condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  I certainly take that as very good news.

I also read John 5:25-29.

John 5:25–29 (ESV)
25 “Truly, truly, I say to you, an hour is coming, and is now here, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live. 26 For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself. 27 And he has given him authority to execute judgment, because he is the Son of Man. 28 Do not marvel at this, for an hour is coming when all who are in the tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who have done good to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil to the resurrection of judgment.

Again, more good news!  Verse 27 struck me that Jesus is given authority to execute judgment because of who He is . . . "Son Man".  In the original language, there is no definite article in the phrase "Son of Man".  Jesus fully knows us and Jesus fully knows God.  What better judge could we ask for?

On a side note, I really find praying the Divine Office to be valuable because it helps keep me centered and balanced.  With the week I've had, I may not have naturally gone looking for good news but here it is, in today's assigned readings.  I'm always amazed that the Spirit seems to work through the Divine Office in ways that I would never imagine.

So, yes, today starts with some very Good News.  Thank God!

vo-ca-tion.
-noun.
1. a particular occupation, business, or profession; calling.
2. a strong impulse or inclination to follow a particular activity or career.
3. a divine call to God's service or to the Christian life.
4. a function or station in life to which one is called by God: the religious vocation; the vocation of marriage
(definitions from Dictionary.com).

Yes, that word. Again. I can't sleep tonight for whatever reason and this is what's currently on my mind. When I think of vocation, I tend to think of the third definition that is listed there. "a divine call to God's service or to the Christian life." Lots of things have changed in my life in the course of the last four years or so. A change in theology which landed us eventually in the Anglican Church. A change in location when Heather and I moved back to her hometown. And a change in occupation from being in "full-time ministry" to working a regular job. I have to say all of those changes have been for the good. Not necessarily easy changes but definitely good changes. What could be the matter then, one might ask? It's that word . . . vocation. Particularly, Bryan doesn't quite know what he's going to do with his life for God.

Oh, I have some ideas of what that might look like. Let me throw out a few, in no certain order.

A priest. Yes, that could be a possibility. I could pursue orders in the Anglican Church. I love the church, warts and all. Somehow though, I wonder if this is the path for me. There's not a lot about that role that I particularly miss. Preaching was okay but mostly I enjoyed trying to help people with their own transformation. I hated the administrative side of ministry especially as it related to programs. That "p" word almost sends me into convulsions these days.

A social worker. This one I've been giving more thought to. The idea was first raised in a discussion my spiritual director and I were having a few months ago. At first, I dismissed the whole notion. Now, I'm not so sure.

A spiritual director. I believe this must be one of the most fulfilling roles someone can engage in. To partner with them in hearing the Holy Spirit. Practically, this doesn't tend to pay many bills unless it was coupled with a retreat center (which I find very intriguing) or some other similar kind of environment. Then again, perhaps I'd be terrible at this otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post wondering what in the world Bryan is supposed to do with his life!

A _________. You fill in the blank because I have not the slightest idea.

I too wonder, am I thinking about this all wrong? Should my vocation and occupation be the same? They could be but I suppose they wouldn't have to be. Of course, I keep bumping into the practical side of life: earning a solid income for my and Heather's future. That's been the sticking point lately. I work as a contractor for a fortune 500 company. The pay is low. The benefits are almost non-existent and the long-term career opportunities don't look promising either. Yet, it seems like it's the only kind of work I can find. Not too many employers are looking to hire an "ex minister."

So, that's what's on my mind tonight. "Crankin" as Alan would say. In the end, I want my life to matter for God. I guess that's what it really comes down to.

Peace.

It's rainy and overcast in Kentucky this morning and the temperatures look to be much cooler than they have been. We're even supposed to be in the 60's on Saturday. I LOVE cooler temperatures that fall is known for. I can't wait to cool off a bit and be able to do more hiking in the great outdoors.

I never hike without my camera and in a few more days, I'll own a new Canon PowerShot S5. I received a new one in the mail this past Friday but, it appeared to be sick. It worked great for a while and then it decided to become very uncooperative. After talking to the tech at Canon, we determined my camera was defective and had to be returned. Hopefully, the new S5 will work as it should and be as reliable as my old PowerShot A60 has been. I'm sure you'll be seeing lots more of my photography on this blog soon.

There's nothing I love more than a hike in the woods with my camera. I love being lost in the sheer beauty and silence of the wooded hillsides of Kentucky. I relate to much of what Thomas Merton writes about nature. It always stirs something deep within me. Those hours in the woods I spend hiking are prayerful times for me as I know they were for Fr. Louis. I pray to God sometimes vocally but many times simply by using my camera to capture the beauty that surrounds me.

So, that's it. A weather update from Lexington, KY and a few musings on photography.

Man, am I tired. Today was one of those days. I got a call around 9:30 a.m. from my stepmom. My dad was on his way to the hospital with chest pain. Not exactly the call you want to receive. I think this is his fourth heart attack over the last couple of years. He seems stable tonight but will be undergoing heart bypass surgery next Friday, August 17. I'd appreciate your prayers and I know dad would too.

Today's Morning Prayer psalm was Psalm 88. It's one that I can relate to, especially the first few verses.

O LORD, my God, my Savior, by day and night I cry to you. Let my prayer enter into your presence; incline your ear to my lamentation. For I am full of trouble; my life is at the brink of the grave.

As you know if you happen to be familiar with this particular Psalm, it doesn't end on a happy note. Many of the Psalms start out like this one, kind of desperate sounding but usually end on a more positive note. Not this one. It ends with

My friend and my neighbor you have put away from me,
and darkness is my only companion.

Doesn't leave you with a good, warm feeling does it?

Some way, somehow, in this Psalm I find comfort. It speaks of real life and sometimes real life is tough. It's hard. This Psalm reminds me that many in the church have experienced their difficult times. Saints of the past know all about this. Afterall, they've lived it and it's in their witness that I find comfort.

My plan for the rest of the evening? Watch some TV and relax. Maybe do a little reading. That's it.

Peace.